Hello everyone! And a huge thank you for all the love and followers I have had over the past few days. You guys are amazing!
So for the first time this week I managed to fall asleep at a semi-decent time. Around 3.30 am. Which was definitely better than my usual 7/8am. I still got a few more hours of sleep than usual, which was delightful. I didn’t actually manage to do my session this morning as I was woken up by phone calls. I ended up spending the first 3 hours of being awake, trying to be a human. It wasn’t my best attempt but I got through it.
So this mornings routine seemed to go by really fast. I think my body is getting used to all the movements. My muscles feel stronger and asanas, especially the headstand, are becoming far easier. I have incorporated planking for around 3 minutes in total. Dear lord did I feel it in my stomach the past two days. However much better now in regards to the pain, thankfully. Planking has really helped build my core strength. Which in turn has really helped with my headstand variations. The better my core strength the better my balance seems to be too.
Something I am struggling with is building a wholesome and healthy eating routine. I’ve been a vegetarian since I was around 2/3. I am awful when food happens. I love carbs. They are my favourite. But recently my appetite has dissapered. In other words, I have no interest in food apart from simple things like fruit salads and cheese toasties. It happens when the weather changes and it kind of annoys me because I love food. But the summer screws with me and it takes longer for me to adjust to the season change. The exercise though has increased my need for proper food. I even turned down chocolate yesterday. I thought I was broken. But then I was really proud of myself. I have been eating more protein rich foods such as nuts and soya. I just need to work out what I like again and learn to enjoy food again.
Periods of change are incredible. It takes patience and a certain amount of trust in the Unknown. It’s finding a balance. I still struggle with little things. I get angry, upset, and an assortment of other emotions. But I am learning to see what’s going on, I’m learning to stop myself before it gets too bad. I was not really allowed to express my emotions freely or learn to deal with them in a calm and understanding manner. It was just switching off or an emotional blowout. I realise now after the past couple of weeks of actually trying to better myself, how truly damaging this is. I knew it was hurting me but I didn’t have a way in which to control myself.
Stopping your emotions and not feeling them, you continue to grow pretending the emotions and feelings don’t exist. And when your emotional cage door opens unexpectedly, you forget how to control it, you can’t in that moment. I realise that in suppressing them, your emotions grow wild like the roots of a pot bound houseplant. It hurts and can kill the plant. It continues to grow, but it stunts the growth. I needed to get out of this cycle and I realise that It takes a daily effort. But it’s no less difficult then putting yourself through torture with over thinking and being too harsh on yourself. Either get better, or break further.
It is sometimes a strange and awkward process accepting yourself. Accepting that you need to change certain parts of how you act and react is a long and tiring process. But you can grow your self awareness daily. It’s scary realising you aren’t the person you thought you were. Which tends to leave you asking more questions than having answers. But having answers closes you off. When you need to find the answers it immediately becomes an adventure.
But the change, is easier when you start to enjoy the prospect of knowing your, I suppose, bad self. And learning to take control of those certain wild attributes and see them as strengths. Then, that whole perspective change is now seen in a new light. You learn to build on that every day. Just small steps. You repot yourself into a new pot, fill it with good and new thoughts. Allow yourself to have the space to grow inside your own mind. Be honest with yourself always. And just carefully, when you realise the negative thought there, just stop yourself. It does sometimes take longer than others times. But be patient and kind to yourself. You deserve it, even though it’s hard to believe sometimes.