Hello lovely humans,
I’m feeling tired and stressed out and through the day my anxiety decided to make a dashing appearance to the point of tears. I’m struggling off the mat in my normal daily life a little more than I should be. Even though I’m not entirely sure of what I’m supposed to be feeling a lot of the time. Certain unwanted emotions and feelings have been making their way into my concious which has made me feel super crappy. I’m not as balanced as I would like to be and that is something I’m desperately trying to get to, but I suppose the desperation is turning me into a version of myself that I struggle to control.
I have been having difficulty to accept just where I am right now within my personal life and my career, which commonly leads to overthinking and generally ending up in a dead end of still feeling as though there is something missing and it’s all my fault. Basically, I’m overly emotional and attached to this vague idea of what I want and I’m feeling far to influenced by others at the moment. Then immediately feeling guilty and emotionally charged and the viscous cycle of introvert overthinking begins. This happens on a daily basis, negative emotions come in waves and I find myself fighting to keep the positivity flowing. I’m scared and that’s okay. I just feel lost and it’s normal during times of change.
I suppose my discomfort stems from my constant feelings of not being good enough. Doesn’t matter in the context, it always hurts and leaves a bruise. Right now I feel somewhat scarred, but I know that it’s all part of it. It’s going to take a lot longer than just over a month of yoga and positive thinking to sort out the wreckage caused by the forest fires of my past. I’m now in a position to actually fully choose my path with no restraint from anyone and I guess I’m pooping my pants at the thought and a little influenced because I’m still a little stuck in the whole wanting to keep people happy. I haven’t looked at what I want to truly do with my life in years and I was always the kid who changed her mind every five minutes when she got bored. Now I’m twenty five years old and feeling not so different to fourteen year old me, terrified and somewhat isolated in a place I didn’t quite put myself.
I’m going to be okay though. I just need to pull my foot out of my ass and actually work towards creating a life that I am proud of and stop procrastinating. And I need to remind myself that I can be a work in progress and still kickass but also feel like an idiot too. Perhaps this is balance? I’m stubborn and independent and like to do things on my own. Especially when it comes to sorting my head out and that’s why I write about it. If it’s on paper, I can make sense of the words. If they’re in my head floating about, they just inflate and repeat themselves and cause trouble. But recently I’ve been equally as good as I have been bad. However I’m on the right path and I feel a sense of calm fall over me and the stress lift off my shoulders as I write these words.
I’m changing daily and I’m shifting my life in a way that I am creating it, I’m reluctant to take on the responsibilities, however that’s all down to the fear of the Unknown and everything I want is on the other side of all this pain. I am willing to adapt faster and continue to encourage myself to step up my game to build strength in all my weak areas. I’m feeling stronger physically, but my mental side is in need of constant TLC. Life is about rising from the ashes. You bleed to renew and heal and this is what I’m doing. I’m bleeding and healing constantly. Everyday is a chance and I’m learning not to waste the days. I will leave you with a wonderful quote that I came across on Instagram. This quote truly was just what I needed to find in order to stop the negativity.
“Yoga is the between the light and the dark within you. The light is what brings you back to the mat and the darkness is what you uncover there. Don’t be afraid of the darkness; these are only shadows and though you’ll have to walk down some pretty dark alleys, Remember, you are grounded in the light and the light will set you free.
– Amy Jirsa