What Am I Afraid Of?
Such a sentence brings me to the thoughts that have haunted me for years.

To be a bird in a place that is made for hunters.

I am surrounded by beings who are afraid to be alone,

I have been this person.

Afraid to bend,

afraid to break.

But my world has changed and as the smoke dances above

sending signals of change,

I realise they are not the same as I.

I am meant to feel different.

I AM different.

I am meant to be.

Some may learn to understand.

Others, not.

I am losing sight of my fears.

I have gained a sense of calm within the chaos that has engulfed the world.

But I am not to worry of such,

as I am not fearful.

I am alive,

breathing breathes filled with thoughtful changes in each moment.

Learning continuously in motion.

I beg you, do not stop.

Do not let fear encapsulate you.

It feeds self doubt and trouble.

Embrace your self,

your mind.

You are the power for which you so crave.

You are the wisdom for which you so desire.

You are everything you need.

And for these words I write,

I give you the sign that I so craved;

a reminder that all is not lost within,

as long as you find yourself hoping for more.

Be that person you so crave.

Be what you need.

Be what you want.

Be who you are as unapologetically as you can.

Trust that you are enough

and you will find that being yourself,

is all this universe asks of you.

Just Be.


Anxiety, Diazepam and Yoga: Memoirs of an Anxious Yogini.

I grew up as a vegetarian, in a household that used natural remedies and alternative therapies. Reflexology, Acupuncture, Reiki and Homeopathy were the chosen medications for any ailments that would surface. For the most part, I can thankfully say I have been rather healthy in my life. But in the rare moments that I have been very ill, where all the alternatives had been attempted, desperation pushed me to go to a medical doctor. I would be prescribed pharmaceuticals and with the majority of medicines, my body would reject them soon after by means of well, throwing them back up. Most of my life I have been a frustration to medical doctors, either because I have refused treatments offered to me or I have given them lectures on the proven benefits of homeopathy and other alternative therapies, which do work and have been around for far longer than the shit that they hand out as if they are magic skittles.

Then a few years ago, I started having blackouts, panic attacks and sporadic insomnia which was brought on by a variety of reasons relating to my past. Desperation and fear lead me once again, to a medical doctor and I was officially diagnosed for the first time with Depression, Anxiety and Panic Disorder. I was prescribed some sleeping pills and Diazepam (Valium) that were to be taken as needed. The diagnosis itself at the time was humiliating and equally terrifying. I was officially ill and officially struggling to come to terms with it. The diagnosis itself lead me on a path that had good days and bad, filled with a lot of soul searching and also a considerable amount of denial.

I found myself reading up on the medications I had been prescribed. I read forums, blog posts and case studies. Pretty much anything I could find and searched for more information so that I could increase my understanding of what they did and what was “wrong” with me.

As my knowledge grew, so did my awareness of the side effects and the likelihood of dependence. Since being prescribed the above, I have only needed to take them a handful of times and in truly desperate moments of panic or exhaustion. I refused and still refuse to take antidepressants. I strived to seek other methods of self-help which eventually lead me to the practice of yoga around six months ago.

Yoga was another desperate attempt. I had tried everything and I found myself in an exhausted haze at 6am on the 10th of June, not having slept in 3 days, I dragged myself onto my mat for the first time in years. That decision has been the best one I have made in regards to my mental and physical health, quite possibly, ever. Since that day, my panic attacks have subsided and my blackouts have also relaxed. I’ve had more good days than bad and the need for medications had ceased, until yesterday.

I have a history of experimental drug taking which in retrospect was used as a method of coping and escapism. I’m telling you this because I feel as though it gives me a bit of basis for comparison. In my late teens and very early twenties, I dabbled with a selection of recreational drugs and experienced a variety of outcomes, some, quite euphoric and others, well, vile. I can admit that I was pretty stupid in the earlier days, but as I grew up I researched and set limitations.

The reasons behind my choices in taking drugs were partly due to my life being thrown up in the air and being thrown into my own personal nightmare. Where I made decisions I was being driven by emotions where my first response was “fuck it, why not?” But later on, I mostly did them because I was curious. My experiences of drugs are most certainly not on the level of Charlie Sheen, but I have experienced enough to understand the appeal but not enough to a) get addicted and b) feel the need to continue. I barely even drink alcohol now, to the point where I would rather drink endless cups of coffee at a rave than partake in partying with Molly or the likes. Been there, done that. Can bars please serve espresso based drinks now please?

I have a family history of addictive personalities so I have always tried to be as careful as one can be when taking drugs. My addiction is coffee, which is probably my blood type and I am so beyond okay with that. And dependant on stress, smoking. But I’m working on the last one. Although this may seem hypocritical, but I wouldn’t recommend taking drugs. Especially as a method of coping with life. I realised this hypocrisy in hindsight. I don’t regret what I have done because I am who I am today through the choices I have made in the past and I am proud of who I have become.

Yesterday, however, I woke up in a silent, petrified and cold sweaty panic. My heart raced and my mind was doing its best impression of the perfect example of overdrive. Whilst my emotions felt as though they had been meticulously programmed into a soundboard and then placed in the hands of an over excited toddler with a mallet. I paced through the flat, trying to calm myself trying to regain control. My panic attacks come in a variety of forms, but this one was really horrendous. It felt almost as though I had been waiting for it to happen in anticipation. Which perhaps only made it feel worse than it was.

I became desperate to calm down. To be able to think straight. To stop my head from spilling thoughts that felt like knives scraping the inside of my skull, sending tremors down my spine and ripple effects to my heart which was beating so fast, my chest was viciously vibrating in fear. I desperately searched for the box of Diazepam and emotionally decided to ingest four 2mg little white pills. I stared out my window and thought of all the things I would rather be doing than feeling this way. A while went by and I slowly started to fade into the familiar feeling of what I can only describe as a stoned zombie jelly baby. Squidgy, floating and ethereal. I feeling I don’t particularly like, but a feeling I preferred at the time to the alternative.

I needed something to focus on that would make me feel more like myself. And after a while, I walked over to my yoga mat and began to move with intent, slowly and focussing on my every move. I felt extra weird and strangely  unbelievably focussed. My mind felt blissfully empty and the only thing I could do was flow. I can’t even tell you how long I practised for. I spent the majority of the time thinking only about finding balance. Attempting a variety of asanas that I knew would help me feel revitalised and stretched. I finished my practice with around what felt like an hour of meditation. Probably the easiest attempt at thinking of nothing because I am pretty sure the amount in my system had legitimately hit an off switch to all thoughts apart from basic bodily functions necessary for survival.

I felt particularly strange, not at all a feeling I have ever experienced. I have never done yoga whilst Diazepam has been in my system. My movement throughout my flow felt somewhat unnatural which is as expected. But it was the weirdest feeling I have ever experienced in my world of drug experiences. I felt as though I wasn’t in control. As though someone else was in control of my body and mind. That is a feeling I fear the most.

The comparison between a panic attack and yoga on Valium, the two are strangely similar. Not quite in control and slightly possessed. All in all, I’m not the biggest fan. Yesterday was a bizarre day that I hope I won’t have to repeat. It really was nothing I had ever felt before. I can barely remember what I did for the rest of the day too. I find that happens every time I have had to take Diazepam in the past, I struggle to recall information from those particular times.

What are your experiences with Anxiety and Yoga? Have you ever had something similar happen to you? Let me know in the comments below!



Ape Training Yoga Wheel | Product Review 

After starting my personal yoga challenge, I found myself more often than not resisting the temptation to attempt a few asanas, mostly backbends and inversions, that I would be far more enthusiastic to try if I had some sort of support in place. As the majority of, if not all of my practice takes place when I am on my own. I was fearful and felt quite limited in my practice. Having come across a similar product whilst on Instagram, I spent quite some time researching into what the wheel did and after seeing results from yogis on Instagram and how much fun they were having with no fear from what I could see,  I needed to have one. So,  I scoured through the Internet in order to find a yoga wheel but trying to keep it within budget of £20-£30 as a lot of the wheels are made and sold predominantly in the US or Australia and the prices are well, relative to circumstance.

When I came across this one, I was very happy to have done so. I read reviews and after a week of waiting to find out if I had won a competition to win a yoga wheel, I found out that I had lost, and celebrated by purchasing this bad boy. I ordered it immediately and it arrived the next day. Packaged well and they had included a helpful mini guide to get me started. It is incredibly strong and durable, measuring roughly 5 inches width and the height of 13 inches. According to the website, it is suitable for anyone over five feet tall and can support up to 500lb.

From day one, this tool has become a staple in my daily routine. After the first use, I felt a considerable and noticeable difference in releasing tension in my shoulders and spine. Plus, I felt far more comfortable in exploring my limitations, backbends, inversions and stretching my flexibility a little bit more. This wheel has acted as a guide when I have felt unsure within myself. It’s stopped limitations and instead opened up possibilities.

I have had the Ape Training Yoga Wheel for over six months now and I can honestly tell you that with out it my practice would not have progressed as far as it has. Not only has it given me an exceptional amount of support, it has genuinely helped with everything it said it would. I have managed to challenge myself and build a more wholesome fitness routine which has instilled more confidence within my daily practice.

Below is a video that I had recorded a little while ago with all intentions of posting but I got distracted with life. I will be recording a newer video soon and would like to talk about the different asanas and benefits of incorporating tools into my daily practice with a little more applicable information.

I would highly recommend the Ape Training Yoga Wheel for everyone from beginners to gurus, but especially for beginners. The benefits are infinite and you can truly enhance your practice with such a remarkable tool. It sets aside fear and helps bring balance and centres your focus. You will not be disappointed with this product. Just infinitely thankful. I would probably buy it just for the sole use of using it as a back massager. The feeling is close to that of a deep tissue massage. Heavenly!

Buy from AMAZON

Times have changed…

And things have happened in my life that have pushed me to places where I’ve found strengths in weaknesses. I’ve learned lessons from the past few months have shaped my life in ways I could have never imagined. But truth bleeds into life in the most unsuspecting ways and the greatest gifts are given in moments of uncertainty. 

My best gift, to me, has always been my creative curiosity. Drifting off and waltzing back to me sporadically and just when I need it. It’s been the greatest tool in every aspect of my life for many things, from problem solving to finding friendship. In my younger years I dreaded the honesty of creativity. But now after many years of running too and fro, delving deeper into the unknown and learning to face fears through force, I have found myself learning and enjoying finding what works for me. 

I left a place I thought I loathed, briefly with all intentions of leaving certain aspects of my life behind me but realisations and saying “yes”, then “no”, then “oh shit what” and eventually “why”, I closed a door and opened another.

What you think and what actually is, is not the same. Changing my perspective has created an opportunity to find myself in a position to tackle things I thought I couldn’t, but now I feel as though I can’t stop trying to tackle these challenges I need to face. 

Approach life with the most daring version of your creative self and learn to be ever curious. You may bleed and feel pain but the reasons will become clear in time. Practice gratitude daily and realise that the creative process involves all emotions. Embrace uncertainty, because when you do, not only do you jump into the unknown with all intentions of finding something that will reflect change, but you teach yourself that fear is not real and that you are capable of doing and being what you want.